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> When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

>>> On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The> bridal car stopped > in> front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that> I carry her out of> the> car in my arms. So I carried her into our home.>>> She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy > bridegroom.>> This was the scene of ten years ago.>> The following days were as simple as a cup of pure> water: we had a kid,> I> went into business and tried to make more money. >>> When the assets were steadily increasing, the> affections between us> seemed> to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we> left home together and> got home almost at the same time. Our kid was > studying in a boarding> school.>> Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But> the calm life was> more> likely to be affected by unpredictable changes.>> Dew came into my life.>> It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony.> Dew hugged me from> behind. My heart once again was immersed in her> stream of love. This> was the apartment I bought for her. >> Dew said, You are the kind of man who best draws> girls eyeballs. Her> words> suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just> married, my wife said, Men> like you, once successful, will be very attractive > to girls. Thinking of> this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had> betrayed my wife. But I> couldn t help doing so.>> I moved Dew s hands aside and said, You go to select> some furniture,> O.K.?> I've got something to do in the company.Obviously> she was unhappy,> because> I had promised her to go and see with her. At the> moment, the idea of > divorce became clearer in my mind although it used> to be something> impossible to me.>> However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife> about it. No matter> how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be > deeply hurt. Honestly,> she> was a good wife. Every evening she was busy> preparing dinner. I was> sitting> in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon.Then> we watched TV > together.> Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing> Dew s body. This was> the means of my entertainment.>> One day I said to her in a slight joking way,> suppose we divorce, what > will> you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a> word. Apparently> she> believed that divorce was something too far away> from her. I couldn t> imagine how she would react once she got to know I > was serious.>> When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped> out. Almost all the> staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and> tried to hide> something> while talking with her. She seemed to have got some> hint. She gently> smiled> at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her> eyes.>> Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, > O.K.? Then we live> together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate> anymore.>> When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand.> Ive got something> to tell you, I said. >> She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the> hurt in her eyes.> Suddenly I didn t know how to open my mouth. But I> had to let her know> what> I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a > serious topic calmly.>> She didn t seem to be much annoyed by my words,> instead she asked me> softly, why? . I m serious. I avoided her question.> This so-called> answer > turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and> shouted at me, you> are> not a man! .>> At that night, we didn t talk to each other. She was> weeping. I knew she> wanted to find out what had happened to our> marriage. But I could hardly> give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had> gone to Dew.>> With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce > agreement which stated> that> she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of> my company. She> glanced> at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in> my heart. The woman > who had been living ten years with me would become a> stranger one day.> But> I could not take back what I had said.>> Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was> what I had expected > to> see. To me her cry was actually a kind of> release.The idea of divorce> which> had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be> firmer and clearer.>> A late night, I came back home after entertaining my > clients. I saw her> writing something at the table. I fell asleep fast.>>> When I woke up, I found she was still there. I> turned over and was> asleep> again.> She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn t > want anything from> me,but> I was supposed to give her one month s time before> divorce, and in the> month s time we must live as normal life as> possible. Her reason was> simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a > month later and she> didn> t want him to see our marriage was broken.>> She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then> asked me, He Ning, do> you still remember how I entered our bridal room on > the wedding day?> This> question suddenly brought back all those wonderful> memories to me. I> nodded> and said, I remember . You carried me in your arms,> she continued, so, I > have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in> your arms on the day> when> we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you> must carry me out> from> the bedroom to the door every morning. >> I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those> sweet days and wished> to end her marriage with a romantic form.>> I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She> laughed loudly and > thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she> does, she has to face> the> result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words> more or less made me> feel> uncomfortable. >> My wife and I hadn t had any body contact since my> divorce intention was> explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as> a stranger. So when> I carried her out for the first day, we both > appeared clumsy. Our son> clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his> arms. His words brought> me> a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting> room, then to the door, > I> walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She> closed her eyes and said> softly, Let us start from today, dont tell our son.> I nodded, feeling> somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She > went to wait for> bus,> I drove to office.>> On the second day, both of us acted much more> easily.She leaned on my> chest. We were so close that I could smell the> fragrance of her blouse. > I> realized that I hadn t looked at this intimate woman> carefully for a> long> time. I found she was not young any more. There were> some fine wrinkles> on> her face. >> On the third day, she whispered to me, The outside> garden is being> demolished. Be careful when you pass there.>> On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to> feel that we were > still an intimate couple and I was holding my> sweetheart in my arms. The> visualization of Dew became vaguer.>> On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me> something, such as, > where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful> while cooking,> etc.I> nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.>> I didn t tell Dew about this.>> I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the > everyday workout made me> stronger. I said to her, It seems not difficult to> carry you now.>> She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry> her out. She tried> quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then > she sighed, All my> dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly> realized that it was> because she was thinner that I could carry her more> easily, not because> I> was stronger. I knew she had buried all the > bitterness in her heart.> Again,> I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out> a hand to touch her> head.>> Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it's time to> carry mum out. He said.> To> him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had> been an essential> part> of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and> hugged him tightly. > I> turned my face because I was afraid I would change> my mind at the last> minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the> bedroom, through the> sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my > neck softly and> naturally. I held her body tightly,> as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much> lighter weight made> me> sad.>> On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could > hardly move a step.> Our> son had gone to school. She said, Actually I hope> you will hold me in> your> arms until we are old.>> I held her tightly and said, Both you and I didn t > notice that our life> was> lack of such intimacy.>> I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the> door. I was afraid> any> delay would make me change my decision. I walked > upstairs. Dew opened> the> door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won t divorce. I> m serious.>> She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my> forehead. You got no> fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. > Sorry, Dew, I said, I can> only say sorry to you, I won t divorce. My marriage> life was boring> probably because she and I didn t value the details> of life, not because> we> didn t love each other any more. Now I understand> that since I carried> her> into the home, she gave birth to our> child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So> I have to say sorry > to> you.>> Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud> slap and then slammed> the door and burst into cry. I walked downstairs and> drove to the> office.>> When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered> a bouquet for my> wife> which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to> write the greeting> words> on the card. I smiled and wrote, I ll carry you out > every morning until> we> are old.